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Showing posts from September, 2020

A Notion of the Holy

There are virtues that we all strive towards. In the heart of every person, there is a divine pull towards a greater self, one in possession of virtue. We search for truth, hope, love, faith, and Grace. We look our whole lives for some attainable version of those attributes. We take what others give us, what we find, what we think we deserve. We drink tinted virtues like muddied water. We are loved with neglectful obsession, forgiven with half-hearted acceptance, and seen with fractured sight. What would it be if all our actions were as full-bodied as we wish they were? What if all the deep crevices in our hearts were filled with the extremity of virtue? How sweet would it be to be loved uncontrollably? How rich to be forgiven entirely and valued so thoroughly? How magnificent to be seen completely as we are? For centuries, literature has pursued such utter wholeness--virtuous perfection. Who are Romeo and Juliet if not the finite epitome's of devotion? Who is Hercules if not the…

Gloriously So

Recently, I've had this feeling of suspension--like, I'm one big lie that's going to come out one day. It's the feeling of walking around in clothes much too big. The dread of my guise dropping off and someone seeing me for who I truly am has haunted me, constantly. I've heard that some people call it Imposter Syndrome. I've always just recognized it as my life-long battle with inferiority. For as far back as I can remember, there has always been a yawning gap between myself and others. The others seemed to come into life so well-equipped and so well-prepared to face whatever came next. What felt to me like mount Everest, to them, didn't even register as a molehill. And as I grew older, the feeling grew deeper and the realization that I was different from everyone else grew starker. People used words for me: "unique" or "special", but all I heard was "Less than desirable". Strangely enough, those feelings maturing into facts in…

Not Only But Always

The greatest shortcoming in my life--possibly my greatest personal fault--is my shattered perception of God and His benevolent nature. I was raised in a Christian family, and yet hearing God alluded to as "The Benevolent Creator of all things" gave me pause. Did I not believe that God was benevolent? Did I not think God was good? How do we learn anything? We decide based on what we remember. Why does two plus two equal four?--because it has always come to that sum in the past. So if I look at God in that way, I cannot see Him as the benevolent Creator. Trust me when I say, I come from a beautiful background. Good family, good home, good church--nothing to take for granted, but I do. If your house is flooded, you don't consider the architect benevolent because he gave you high ceilings and aesthetically-pleasing windows. A truly benevolent architect would build the house so that it doesn't flood, right? I come from a safe background--a sturdy house--and somehow I find…